31.7.14

Museums, Minimalism, Changing Aesthetics

Recently, my tastes have changed quite dramatically and I've been left feeling rather lost. It's a surprise. I'm suddenly sick of my long-haired self, and I don't know what to do. I hadn't realised how much of my identity had gotten tied up with my love of ribbons, lace, and things that made me feel like I should enjoyably flounce everywhere, like a fairy.

At the start of the summer I was suddenly, for some unforeseen reason, really into minimalistic, graphical plant things. It was probably to with my only looking at a few fashion blogs I really admire, and thinking more about proportion, colour, patterns, textures, shapes, composition, etc, than overall connotations and imagery or specific inspiration.

Best summed up by this image. Source.
I sort of still am into it, but I've increasingly seen it seep into highstreet shops. Things I like have a habit of doing that and I hate it. I suppose I could be flattered at my knack for noticing things before they become "fashionable,"* but it is actually a source of endless anguish. This would be a topic for a whole essay, but I suppose there's little point in me hiding that I hold a deep contempt for things that are "fashionable." It is not an "UGH THAT'S SO MAINSTREAM" thing, although I do hate the whole indie/hipster/mainstream concept. I suppose it has to do with the fact that the whole concept of "that is so last season" is for the capitalist consumerist drive to get people to buy more, imitate their favourite celebrities and other things I think are bullshit. It doesn't really say much in the way of or encourage a person's personal taste or preferences. Also to do with the following quote, massively. My copy of the book is with a friend in Norway so I've had to go from memory, meaning it might be imperfect. It is why fury sweeps over me when I see flower crowns in River Island:

"Mass media takes real life and turns it into spectacle, selling it back to you as a meaningless, glammed-up, depoliticised version of your own existence."

— Sarah Marcus, Girls to the Front: The True Story of the Riot Grrrl Revolution



 Three above are relevant screenshots form my Tumblr.
Either way, I like it, but am at the same time sadly put-off by it. It also makes me feel quite alone and isolated, like the inside of my head, charisma, confidence, intelligence, or lack of thereof are suddenly under scrutiny. I feel like what I remember Nowhere Man was like from watching Yellow Submarine as a child (not quite what he seems now that I watch it).

Last weekend I went to the Tate Modern. I'd been to see the temporary ones of Roy Lichtenstein and Damien Hirst before, but never the permanent exhibitions.
Annoyingly, it was raining so loads of people sought refuge in the museum and it was really loud and everyone was bunched up in front of Dali (surprisingly, not many by Picasso) and it is surprising how un-enjoyable it was while so crowded. It really was so bad that we ended up leaving the surrealist rooms. .

However, I then went up to Level 4 (further up the stairs so emptier of people hiding form the rain) to another exhibition I really wanted to see. It was the Structure and Clarity exhibition, focusing on minimalism, constructivism and abstraction, and it was wonderful.
Frank Stella
Victor Pasmore, my favourite
Ellsworth Kelly. Plain as it may seem, you have no idea how wonderful this was to look at.
Larry Bell
Donald Judd (also, incidentally, an artist that influenced my set for a feminist play Gwendolen and I did in our drama GCSE, somewhat responsible for commencing our interest in feminism)
Derek Jarman still from Blue on display at Tate Modern
Blue, by Derek Jarman
"In Derek Jarman’s last film Blue, the monochrome glow of the projected frame echoes the artist’s fading eyesight, as the soundtrack evokes powerful images of the mental, physical and emotional strain caused by his terminal illness."
Grace Jones painted on by Keith Haring, photographed by Robert Mapplethrope (interestingly enough, we have a family friend who went out with her)
It looks like the kind of thing people would say "I could do that," but 1) you didn't, and 2) just no. You can actually see the development, intention and so on behind it (especially if the gallery is laid out well and has good information), and there was something wonderfully soothing about looking at it all. Also, the scale you see it at is a massive factor. I cannot emphasise how much of a difference it makes.

Either way, that was wonderful and I really recommend it.
In the meantime, my taste is changing more to dark, rich colours and patchwork, baroque and stereotypically Turkish/Middle-Eastern patterns. See also William Morris. However, I still really like heavy black/gray drapery and have particularly interested in the work of Yohji Yamamoto.


Source
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I believe the "ethnic" patterns (like, gah, what sort of thing to call it is that??? I hate you fashion industry) are being incorporated into current corporate youth identity bullshit already, but maybe the rest will stay free?

Much love,



Cecily

*resulting in my being The Pop Culture Prophet in a joke with Gwendolen

22.7.14

Book Review: 'A Dead Man in Deptford' by Anthony Burgess

Hey Readers!

 I guess I am now on my summer holidays. But I won't do my end of year post just yet due to the way school ended: it kind of dissolved into nothing. Technically the last day of school is tomorrow, so I shall do that post at the weekend. For now, I shall do a quick book review (my laptop has 17% battery).

Source
 As none of my friends (or indeed anyone who has mentioned anything to do with books near me) have been able to escape my gushing speeches of love for Burgess, it doesn't seem right that you, my Fair or Foul Readers (but where's the difference?), should either. However I must admit I have only read two of his books - A Clockwork Orange and A Dead Man in Deptford - but I shall be doing a Burgess Binge (dat alliteration) this summer. And when he titles his books like "Mozart and the Wolf Gang" or "1985" (which is a tribute to Orwell's 1984) I feel I can be pretty sure the rest of his writing shall live up to wonders I have already read.

 A Dead Man in Deptford is an re-imagining of Christopher Marlowe's life. Marlowe was a playwright who grew up in Canterbury and studied at Chorpus Christi College, Cambridge before becoming a playwright, who many critics feel would have outshone Shakespeare, had he not died in a pub brawl with a dagger to eye (don't cha just hate it when that happens???). The image of the eye recurs throughout the book and often sparks musings on solipsism. However Burgess' real point of interest in regards to Marlowe is the more dubious aspects to his life: his addiction to sex and potentially working as a spy for Queen Elizabeth I. 

 Although the book is about Marlowe, it is told through the eyes of an unnamed narrator who didn't witness many of the events in the book. The way Marlowe drifts in and out of his life is sometimes unclear, but I quite like the tone of confused memory this gives the book. The narrator is one of the most interesting aspects of the book, and I feel it places the role of the author as one of the central questions of the book (Barthes would not be happy), especially in terms of how historical fiction influences our understanding of past events. And then there is the last paragraph, but I don't want to give away the ending because you are all going to go and read this book.

 As always the Burgess, his use of language is simply divine. He writes in a way that forces the words off of the page and into your imagination. You have to sit up and take notice. The opening paragraph is more opaque than the majority of the book, so don't be put off. Instead, spend some time just admiring how he mingles poetic techniques with prose. Burgess also presents speech in a different style to that which we may be used to: speech always begins on a new line, is indicated by a '–' and it is not clear when the speaker finishes. This was alienating at first, but in true Burgess style, this alienation makes you part of the book's world, by clearly differentiating it from our own.

 In short, this is a truly fabulous book by a truly fabulous writer. Probably not that great if you're a raging homophobic as a lot of the sex takes place between Marlowe and other men (sometimes in Latin which led to a fun hour of translation). However you do have to pay attention when you read it, there are a lot of characters and the relationships between them are not entirely clear if you zone out for a moment. But if you are zoned in, as you should be you diligent reader you, then I promise you will have a most pleasurable reading experience when reading this book. 

Rating: *****

Gwendolen

12.7.14

The Last Year in Vignettes

Hmm.

I feel I'm finally able to write properly about the last year, in some sort of review-y / recap / resolutions / achievements / regrets respect.

I'm also conscious that I don't want to write too much about it, because it's very valuable to me and I am stupidly scared the act of publicly disclosing it will somehow detract form it — a sentiment/attitude I am not proud I have as I think it can be pretty detrimental. I also hold in my mind a lot that people, so far "grown-ups" (I feel very immature whenever I refer to grown-ups), don't seem to understand it at all yet want to know about it — younger people so far either "get" it or just don't ask "why? why? why?"

It's been an intense year.
I hesitate to use other words, like "amazing" or "perfect" or "the best."
They feel to vacuous, although to some extent they do describe it. I think it is about as close to perfect as can be, with "perfect" being as hard to describe as my year and linked to later Moments of Strange Magic. I also think it is one of the best years I've had, and many aspects about it — the place, the people — are amazing. However, there is a profundity to it I don't feel those words encompass. I won't try to explain it all, as I can never, but I can try to give as good an idea of it as possible. I've also finally downloaded the photos I took over the last year from my camera, some of which I have included.










Around about 2 months into the school year I stopped marking things "*MoSM*" in my diary. It just all blurred into one long Moment of Strange Magic. As a brief description for the unfamiliar and to explain what I mean by it (although I think it is probably what most others do) I first heard the term from Tavi in reference to moments which are no necessarily "perfect" in a happy sense or when experiencing them, yet somehow, despite stress or sadness or seeming mundane at the time, do have a deep perfection. It was meeting with Gwendolen this morning which reminded me of the term that had been knowing about in the back of my mind, only occasionally used for those moments that shone brighter than most. Some of these are:

• Impromptu tea after a Friday Lecture, with people I don't usually spend much time with and were unexpected. We talked about Peter Pan and poetry and Manic Pixie Dream Girls and ideas from literature and philosophy, in a wide-eyed enthusiastic wondering, non-academic way.

• Breakfast at 6:30 am, decorating a pancake for the person to my left (as the rules were).

• Jumping in the swimming pool in our underwear, right before it started raining, whilst showing around some friends' friends, with drunk people nearby.

• Dancing crazily in the coffee lounge after doing yoga, eating hot brownies and drinking smoothies, during which someone found and switched on the old sosh (disco/dance) lights.

• Meals that stretched out for over an hour, talking to and asking my British anarcho-communist second year about anarchism and communism.

• Playing Cards Against Humanity with my "anti-sosh" group.

• Doing the same circuit walking around school buildings in the dark, talking about solemn, sad things to a "hispanoablante" co-year.

• Vivaldi.

• Breakfasts with my roommate.

• #balkansprojectweek

• Abbey Road shower party (we have communal showers in which we play music).

• House barbecues. 

• Running in the dark to the sea wall because we were early to a pooling, both of our hair trailing behind us, the sky clear and full of stars above and through the crenellations.

• A huge student gathering in the library about frustrations. It was just before it closed down so the tables were gone and most sat on the wooden floor and red carpets, and it felt good when we agreed with people we usually don't.

• Walking past the Nelson Mandela bust when it smelt as it does after rain.

• Making origami dragons that were given strings past midnight.

• Sitting in a house Boat (two sofas with the fronts pushed together) for my "surprise" birthday meal, after eating pasta on a picnic table in nice weather outside and being gifted marmite. They played Simon & Garfunkel in the background for me, and a girl especially brought out some fancy teas so we could all have jasmine.

• The last week; the sky brothers and the golden floating seeds and the downtown poetry session, the having to jump over barbed wire fences and running into unexpected people and lying in fields in the dark, they yellow short-sleeve shirt of the person I got a crush on and the golden house bonding on the cliff and being "most likely" to become Prime Minister, the school on Sunley Beach and the Acapulco-stairs down to it and the pink and white and green on the sweeping blue-grey rocks, the stress and satisfaction of my history IA and the computer room and Danish museum exhibitions, the end— I can't write about the last night.

• So much more, so much more I have missed and forgotten and written and happened. So much more I wouldn't lose for the world, not now.

I've gone on, and I will write more reflection-y later as I imagine this has stretched longer than people's interest. Also, it is worth noting those are among the most uplifting bits, and although they may not necessarily outnumber the mostly negative ones — moments of unbelievable stress, insecurity, loneliness, anxiety, confusion, frustration and lack of motivation —, the latter still have a magic and, even without it, the former make it undoubtedly worth it.

I need to keep that in foresight.

At the moment I don't feel to wonderful, and the negatives weigh particularly badly on my shoulders with a lot of angst and insecurity for the future, and comparison rather than creating my own aims. However, writing this has helped and reminded me things aren't as bad as they seem (a super-deep ending, huh?).

Oh well, I need to go put a frozen pizza in the oven...
Much love,

Cecily

30.6.14

Non-smoking, tee-totaling, celibate stoner

Hey Readers!

 It has now been a week and half since I returned to the scholastic establishment post-fucking-up-my-future-exams. I did want to do a post last weekend however that was all taken up with seeing friends from my old school, Kings' College Open Day and zine making workshop. Then my week was taken up homework/Extended project research/Head Studenting/a silly amount of UCAS and University talks (I'm mean like shit yeah I get the point I should probably go to University next year and let's be real it's only Oxbridge not frigging WW2).

 Friday could have been an episode of My So-Called Life/Freaks & Geeks etc. I guess it all started with a lunch of erection talk and Brian Krakow crushing. All beautifully summed up in that photo.
Source

**************************

I am now writing about a week after I started this post and that Friday night is slowly dissolving into memories of snatched moments. Moments sitting behind beach huts, hugging a friend when they/I most needed it most // Sitting on a beach and feeling completely happy with the people I am now socialising with in a way I've never really felt before // Gossiping and spying on future lovers // Chatting with police (it was nothing serious Dad) //  Straddling cannons // Dancing in the road and making jokes about the World Cup with some Spanish tourists // Breaking down on curbs and on friends beds // Finally been honest with people through anger, empathy and exhaustion.

Gwendolen 

PS I'm sorry I didn't stop you texting him 

12.6.14

To do this summer

don't think just do you have exactly two weeks:
• Learn about, prepare for, practice and take SAT I
 [DONE]


must do:
• Write EE
• Do politics engagement activity (IA)
• Write up 3 Environmental-Systems IAs


almost must do:
• Revise History IA (it was shit)

would make my life easier if I do:
• Revise World Lit essay (IA)
and also sort of but less important:
• Read Cleaveland*

my life will be miserable if I don't do:
• Look at universities (open days, research talk to people?)
• Look into personal statement writing
my life may also be miserable if I don't do:
• Learn stuff for SAT subject tests (World History, Literature and Spanish?)
• Based on my results, prepare to re-do SAT I?

• Learn about and practice for the History Aptitude Test

if I want to hope to do well in Global Politics I should probably do:
• Teach myself the course based on the textbook I have on pdf

I won't be able to keep up my advantageous standing with my English teacher if I don't do:
• Read Gulliver's Travels
• Read Great Expectations
and also sort of:
• Read about Seamus Heaney / at least read all of Death of a Naturalist

started off as suck-up to UK universities but now actually really interesting and want to do, plus useful for SAT World History, if I even do it:
• Read The Story of the World, by W. B. Bartlett
• Read A People's History of the World, by Chris Harman
and also want and useful:
• Read The Uses and Abuses of History, by Margaret Macmillan

• Read The Undivided Past, by David Cannadine
maybe sort of it would be useful I'm intrigued and it's meant to be really good but I can't be bothered:
• Read The Sleepwalkers, by Christopher Clark

~
and thinly disguised as [cultural] history because Gwendolen and I have been obsessed with it forever:
• Read Teenage, by John Savage


 Source
because the books are left unfinished:
• Read the end of Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov
• Finish** Catch 22, by Joseph Heller

because Gwendolen might do goodness-knows-what to me if I don't:
• Read A Clockwork Orange, by Anthony Burgess

because I feel I am behind on reading I should have done:
• Read A Streetcar Named Desire, by Tennessee*** Williams
• Read Hamlet
• Read Macbeth

I wanted to:

• Reread The Virgin Suicides, by Jeffrey Eugenedies
• Read The Divine Comedy by Dante

would be good to do in procrastination:
• Do my ToK presentation

I'm reading through it slowly:
• Continue with La Casa de Los Espiritus (The House of the Spirits), by Isabel Allende, in Spanish, in the hope of finishing it by May next year when I need to give my copy back

In an anechoic chamber, a teacher in Illinois studies how people detect sound, June 1967.Photograph by James L. Stanfield, National Geographic Creative
National Geographic has Tumblr and I don't think I will be getting any work done ever again.
I want to do:
• Blog
• Document/sort through/chronicle/blog my recent thoughts/tastes on music/films/clothes/art/visuals
• Think about the last year
• Think about meanings, and the deeper bits of things, what this all means to me
• Criticise / analyse myself
• Analyse my life
• Work out what I want to do with my life
• Think about my friendships

also good and maybe necessary:
• Get a job (I need money)
• Do History-related volunteering/employment
• Maybe do volunteering with refugees in church


Something I should do:
• Just chill/rest so I don't have a nervous breakdown next year



The Maybe, 1995
Installation at the Serpentine Gallery, London
a collaboration between Cornelia Parker and Tilda Swinton
Source
I go back to school this weekend to help with a reunion, then I have exactly 7 weeks 'till I am back at school for next year, on August 5th. What a summer it will be.
I will be back with half-decent blogging soon.

Love,

Cecily

* Cleveland: what we call one of our textbooks/book we use relevant to the course, actually A History of the Modern Middle East by Cleveland Bunton~ 'round about here it becomes reading for pleasure with some ulterior***** motives
** • Learn to spell "finish," not "Finnish" the language*** Tennessee has lots of 's'es, and 'n's and 'e's******* how do you even write letters, and what are the actual rules for using " " against ' ' ?
***** • Also learn to spell "ulterior," previously thought to be "alterior"

30.5.14

Friday 30th May 2014; Reflections on myself

Hey Readers!

 I am in a state of permanent tiredness. I am going through moments of overwhelming insecurity and all-consuming not so much joy but like I'm-so-happy-that-I'm-living-this-moment kind of feeling. I don't seem to be able to stop thinking and analysing every part of myself and other people but it all seems to be a waste as I've generally messed up my ASs (i.e. not done as well as I would have liked which is really shit because I know when results come out everyone will tell me that I'm wrong to be sad but an emotion can never be described as 'wrong'; emotions are not true or false, they only are).


Tumblr - source

"They [Women] cannot love each other in this easy, innocent, spontaneous way because they cannot love themselves"
                                                                                   -Germain Greer, The Female Eunuch

 Of course she's not the first person I have ever heard to say that, but she's the first person I have heard to say in that way. Reading that made me realise I am making my reactions to people overly complex. I could write like a fucking book on what I think and how I feel about each of my friends/family/people-paid-to-be-near-me. Yet a lot of is entirely false. Well not false, just overly complex - probably because that's my reaction to myself. I have this constant desire to change my three worst personality traits (competitiveness, defensiveness, pride) unfortunately they are rather hard to change as quickly as I/other people want them to change because a) they feed each other in an uncontrollable and destructive manner b) It makes all criticism not necessarily more hurtful but it builds up more easily without me confronting it, and when do confront I end up over-complicating my confrontation to the extent I can't actually remember what I have discovered about myself and it's physically impossible to manifest itself c) I genuinely do not talk about some stuff that I should talk about (and sometimes want to talk about) because I have the irrational feeling that people probably already know and even more irrationally I feel that this somehow invalidates and takes away from my thoughts d) I recognise that I'm probably over-complicating stuff to skirt the issue and appease these traits.

Tumblr - source


 I do not know what I want to do with my life. Plan A has basically gone and made me realise that Plan B is probably better, but even so there are plenty of people who view Plan B as a cop out and it's hard not to find yourself invalidating it as a decision. 

Tumblr - I had the source then lost source and now I can't find it again

Before you have had your first moment of semi self-realisation you automatically assume you are the good guy in the story of your life and it's pretty crap when you realise that to many extents you probably aren't. And also that everybody is a victim and therefore everybody is perpetrator.  And people seem particularly keen lately to point out my flaws with various motivations, yet I never point out theirs because I don't know a) I hate emotional talks when I feel either I'm attacking/being attacked b) feel it's petty and pointless to point out other people's flaws, because often they are symptomatic of something else that that person may or may not be dealing with and it makes it even worse when somebody essentially goes oh you know that thing about yourself that you really hate well I hate it too. But then I also realise that there is probably a reason why people tell me my flaws. Also the phrase "I will always like/love/have affection for you not matter what anybody else says" suddenly curveballs at you what other people think in a way nobody really wants hear.

What a sickening load of self-pity.

Tumblr - source

 I don't really want to socialise at the moment. I think it's more than just being antisocial but not as far as having a social anxiety. I can't really explain it as it is very much a feeling. A feeling that is a mixture of 'ach nein' and vulnerability at the thought of socialising with specific types of people. This is probably a projection of how I feel about myself.

I'm glad I have written this. I'm sure some people are going to read too much/too little/the wrong thing/the right thing into it. I've been wanting to write something like this in my diary but this is much quicker and I've been too tired to spend copious amounts of time on self-pity which is probably more destructive than helpful. But yes, my life hasn't been entirely like this recently, but it has been too much like this. I'm not sure why I've actually written about this publicly instead of writing to the individuals who most people would write to or talk to*. Anyway I'm really tired. I could quite happily write another post on everything I don't like about this post.

Gwendolen

*By the way, that is not an invitation for people I know irl to speak to me 


Procrastinate...

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